Ever have the feeling that you're trapped; like there's a jittery feeling within that won't go away; literally...ants in your pants. Call it anxiety, stress, boredom, whatever...I literally loathe this feeling. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) I've been caught in the middle of it more often than not in the past six months. What is a type-A girl to do? When there's a lack of structure to feed on, a seemingly minimal source of creativity, and a routine that appears to be going nowhere, its easy to get utterly depressed. And for me, it's depressing to be depressed. And not worth it. And easy to want to escape.
The real problem is that I am a sucker for the computer, music, chewing gum, wine, and catching up on TV shows. So when I want to escape, I resort to these places; not a horrible way to go, but trust me, FaceBook Chat has little to give back in terms of feeling any better. I forced myself to start reading, and have been absorbed in Yoga and the Path of the Urban Mystic by Darren Main for the past week or so. Literally have not been able to put it down. That good. There's usually something in every chapter that makes me think and want to write about, but a few paragraphs today really rang true.
He explains about the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system (both together defined as the autonomic nervous system, or ANS), and how the two work together when we're calm, yet work against one another when we're off kilter. The first (sympathetic) has to do with ultimate survival mode, or "fight or flight", while the parasympathetic is on an easy-going road, otherwise known as "rest and digest". Most of the time, we're in fight or flight, which is not really natural, or healthy. I have been fighting and flighting for four years straight, pretty much, and to be in a place now where I'm at a standstill is nothing short of freaky. Interestingly enough, my fight or flight instinct still kick in, because here I am anxious about my not-doing-anything-mode. Is this the time to "rest and digest"?; how do you live in one mode without inhibiting the other? Seems impossible.
However, Main makes the point that we've an incredibly powerful tool at hand: The breath. Ugh. Always seems to be the answer to anything, at least it was in theatre school. But it actually makes so much sense; when we breathe, we let oxygen into our blood, brain, organs, entire system. It slows things down, puts the mind at rest. And, according to Main, the mind at rest means the body can digest. I mean, hell, the mind can even digest here. What a blessing.
And I don't mean breathing like sip sip sip take some air in and call it a day. I mean conscious, full bellied, stretch-your-lungs-and-intercostal-muscles type breathing. This takes a moment to exhale, and then fully inhale. Try closing the eyes. It will give you space away from the world, which more often than not takes us by storm and leaves us ravaged at sea.
This is one of the most challenging times I've had thus far in my short life. I feel inactive, and impatient, and unworthy. Yet I have this faith (or feeling, if you would rather I not get too pious), that the Pranayama Breath, or life-force behind each intake and release of oxygen, will somehow get me through. I don't go around breathing consciously all day, but my breath-to-movement yoga practice seems to save me for those couple hours every morning. A simple breathing meditation in my car keeps me from flipping off the SUV's that tower above me. And reading this book calmly directs my focus inward instead of all over cyberspace.
Sometimes I wish I could be back in school, learning, running around from class to class, constantly practicing new movement and voice technique, giving everything I had creatively. I miss that time. However, in missing this part of me so much, I am in a place of looking to get it back. And surely I can, one breath at a time.
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